As part of my project on technological advancements Zetland teenagers are most excited about, I have found a table containing some relevant results of a survey that I am going to comment on.
According to the data, the most popular response to the question “What technological advancement are you most excited about?” is
“Breakthrough in medicine”(36%). It can also be seen that the least favorite option is “Advanced translation technologies” chosen by 9% of the surveyed.
Looking more closely at the table, one can note that the figure for the option “Eco-friendly decisions” is 12% higher than the figure for “Hyper-speed transportation”.
This fact is explicable given that teenagers are aware of the environmental issues more than about time of delivery of their purchases.
It is worth mentioning that there are some problems that may arise with technological advancement.One of them is that people can become too dependent on technology. However, there is a possible solution to this problem. People should spend more time without gadgets and limit screen time. Moreover, they can try to find balance between online and offline life and have more face-to-face communication.
In conclusion, I believe that the importance of science in our lives is crucial. I think so because science pushes our boundaries.Also, it gains new perspective on our world.
What technological advancement are you most excited about?
Choose one option
Options
Number of respondents (%)
Breakthroughs in medicine
36
Eco-friendly decisions
24
Personalised learning technologies
19
Hyper-speed transportation
12
Advanced translation technologies
9
Вывод ушёл от темы проекта: задание про technological advancements, а заключение — про науку вообще. Сформулируйте мнение по предмету проекта.
Breakthrough in medicine
В таблице опция называется Breakthroughs in medicine — цитировать нужно дословно.
Zetland teenagers
Зетланд упомянут только во вступлении — удерживайте привязку к группе из задания по всему тексту.
According to the data
Проценты явно названы только для двух опций из пяти; желательно дать и проценты сравниваемых опций (24% и 12%).
Факты, сравнение, проблема и решение раскрыты; объём 219 слов в норме. Искажение в заключении: вывод сделан про науку вообще, а не про technological advancements из задания. Опция таблицы процитирована с потерей множественного числа (Breakthroughs).
Глагол: it gives us a new perspective on our world.
chosen by 9% of the surveyed
Привычнее: 9% of those surveyed / of the respondents.
Две лексические ошибки: тавтология the importance is crucial и неверный глагол it gains new perspective (нужно gives us a new perspective).
Сбалансируйте сравнение: more aware of environmental issues than of delivery times; артикль the перед environmental issues не нужен.
find balance between online and offline life
Нужен артикль: find a balance.
is 12% higher than the figure for
Образцово построенное сравнение.
Три негрубые ошибки: разбалансированное сравнение aware of X more than about Y, лишний the перед environmental issues, пропущен артикль в find a balance.
Пропущен пробел после точки (так же: boundaries.Also).
Две мелкие погрешности: пропущен пробел после точки (advancement.One, boundaries.Also).