As part of my project on what qualities Zetland employers appreciate most in their employees, I have found a pie chart containing some relevant results of a survey that I am going to comment on.
According to the data, the most popular response to the question "What qualities do you appreciate most in your employees" is "Loyalty"(35%). It can also be seen that the least favoured option is "Being good-tempered" chosen by 6% of the respondents.
Looking more closely at the pie chart, one can note that the figure for the option "Creativity" is 13 % higher than the figure for "Being motivated". This fact is surprising given that if an employee is not motivated, he or she cannot work in a good way, even if it's a creative person.
It is worth mentioning that there are some problems that may arise at work. One of them is that workforce may be unfriendly. However there is a possible solution to this problem. Employees should be kind to each other and spend more time together.
In conclusion, I believe that choosing the right company to work for is extremely important because it is a good place to find new friends.Also it helps you enjoy life more.
Comment on the survey data and give your opinion on the subject of the project
The survey question: What qualities do you appreciate most in your employees? Choose one option
Creativity 25%
Loyalty 35%
Reliability 22%
Being motivated 12%
Being good-tempered 6%
Write 200-250 words
Use the following plan
- make an opening statement on the subject of the project - select and report 2-3 facts
- make 1-2 comparisons where relevant and aive vour comments;
- outline a problem that can arise at work and suqgest a way of solving it;
- conclude by giving and explaining your opinion on the importance of choosing the right company to work for
Заключение не связано с темой проекта (качества работодателей Зетланда). «Найти новых друзей и наслаждаться жизнью» — бытовой мотив, не отсылающий к обсуждавшимся качествам (loyalty, creativity, reliability). Лучше: «...because a company that values qualities such as loyalty and reliability provides a stable and motivating environment for personal and professional growth».
According to the data, the most popular response to the question "What qualities do you appreciate most in your employees" is "Loyalty"(35%). It can also be seen that the least favoured option is "Being good-tempered" chosen by 6% of the respondents.
Data coverage: из пяти опций упомянуты только четыре (Loyalty 35%, Being good-tempered 6%, Creativity 25%, Being motivated 12%). Опция «Reliability» (22%) — вторая по популярности — выпала. Желательно охватить top-3 как минимум.
Looking more closely at the pie chart, one can note that the figure for the option "Creativity" is 13 % higher than the figure for "Being motivated". This fact is surprising given that if an employee is not motivated, he or she cannot work in a good way, even if it's a creative person.
Сильное место: корректная сравнительная конструкция «13% higher than», уместный комментарий-наблюдение с условной интерпретацией данных. Это и есть формат abзаца «comparison with comments» из плана.
Все 5 аспектов плана присутствуют, объём в норме, регистр выдержан. Однако заключение не связано с темой проекта (важность компании объяснена через «друзей и удовольствие», а не через обсуждаемые качества работодателей); из пяти опций таблицы упомянуты только четыре — Reliability (22%) пропущена. Один аспект решён частично.
Разговорно-неточное «in a good way». В академическом эссе — «cannot work effectively» / «cannot work properly» / «cannot perform well».
even if it's a creative person
Сокращение `it's` нарушает академический регистр; структурно неудачно — лучше согласовать с предыдущим «he or she»: «even if he or she is a creative person».
Две лексические шероховатости: разговорное «cannot work in a good way» (нужно «effectively/properly»); сокращение `it's` + структурно неудачное «it's a creative person» вместо «he or she is creative» (согласование с предыдущим «he or she»).
После вводного «However» в начале предложения нужна запятая: «However, there is a possible solution…».
find new friends.Also it helps you enjoy life more.
Две пунктуационные ошибки подряд: (1) нет пробела после точки перед «Also»; (2) после вводного «Also» в начале предложения нужна запятая: «…find new friends. Also, it helps you enjoy life more».
Три пунктуационные ошибки: пропущена запятая после вводного «However» в начале предложения; нет пробела после точки перед «Also»; пропущена запятая после вводного «Also» в начале нового предложения.